You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
