are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
