I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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