sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
