Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
