i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
