You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
