fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
