not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
