can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
