This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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