I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
