I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
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