If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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