does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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