I think my fart just growled at me.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
