I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
