...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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