i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Randomize
