I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I need water and some morals
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