dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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