Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
