Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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