I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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