You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
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Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
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Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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