My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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