I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
