i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
