You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
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I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
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Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.