Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water