Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I believe in your delicious
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
