Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
