You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
