If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
