i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
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I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
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I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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