Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
