I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
