Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
