i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
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You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
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You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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