Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize
