Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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