This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
