I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
