I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
