Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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