I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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