I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
