I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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