last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
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i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
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I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I just gargled with NyQuil
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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