Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
