just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
