I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
