I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
