quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
